Update

I figured I should get that old emo blog out of the spotlight. I've wanted to write several times, I've just been too busy or unmotivated to actually do it.

It's winter break. Two glorious weeks of no school. I still have to work, and I really wish I didn't because it's consuming most of my days that I'd like to go toward other things (like Alex wants to do a video tomorrow and Saturday, and I probably won't get to help out because I have to work 12 to 6:30). I want to quit, but somehow I don't have the gall to. What if this job isn't as bad as I make it out to be? What if the one I find just ends up being worse?

I'm still pining for Dennis, even though everyone is telling me to let go of him. It's like he's cut me off. I feel like I'm some sort of poison to him, like maybe he stopped caring about me a long time ago and he just used leaving as an excuse to break up. I know it's not true, and it makes him sound horribly cruel, but I just want to at least hear from him once in a while. I send him text messages and facebook comments and that sort of thing all the time, but he hasn't spoken since the day after Christmas. The only time I even hear from him is the occasional facebook status update, and it feels pathetic to know that that's my only correspondence from him. Maybe I'm just being selfish when I have so little to my life and he's so busy.

Rachael's been talking about buying a new car and a super professional level camera (Nikon D3: http://www.nikonusa.com/Find-Your-Nikon/ProductDetail.page?pid=25434 ), a camera body that costs around $5000. Since her dad passed away and she and her brother have inherited money, she thinks she'll never have to worry about money again. And that may be true- I don't know how much she inherited. Personally, I think it would be a good idea to find a financial advisor and figure out how to invest to multiply that money. It may be a small fortune now, but with that kind of start she could be a millionaire by thirty.

The camera thing bothers me. Not necessarily because I'm jealous, because even though I'd like to have that kind of awesome equipment, it's a little too much for me. I don't feel qualified to use something like that. If it were me, I'd instead purchase an awesome D90 body, one step up from my current camera (recently released, it's the first DSLR capable of capturing video), or a D200. In fact, most professional photographers use the D200- the D3 is a dream come true to the lucky few who own it.

The thing that bothers me about it is how smug about it she is. I got my first camera when I was 12 or 13 in the fifth or sixth grade. It was a little point and shoot Casio Exilim. 15 months later, after she had seen how useful my camera was, she asked for one for her birthday. Same make, new and updated model. She always loved to rub it in my face that her camera was newer and "better" than mine. Then, when I got my DSLR at fifteen in the ninth grade, two months later, she asked for one for her birthday. Again, it was the same make, just the new and updated model (where I had gotten the D50, she got the D40, the made over-version of the D50). And then a couple months ago when I was talking about saving up for a new D90 camera body, her response was that I wasn't allowed to do that because then she'd have to get a better one. For all these years since we've gotten into photography, it feels as though the whole thing has just been a game of keeping up with the Joneses for her. I know that she doesn't just take pictures because I do- photography is as genuine a passion for her as it is for me, and I know that she has as high of hopes to pursue it as a career as I do. But I wish that she'd just stop trying to be better than me all the time, intentionally trying to make me jealous. If she wins something or does well at something or gets something better than me, she often (though, to be fair to her, not always- especially when she knows it's something that I truly care about) tries to rub it in my face to make me jealous, where I know that if I ever did that to her she wouldn't speak to me again. If I had done that with winning the State Fair, she never would have forgiven me.

Again, though, I should reconcile myself a bit and be a little less cruel to her. She isn't always this way, especially when she knows it's going to hurt my feelings. Very rarely do I feel as though she wants to make me feel bad (though it does occasionally happen). She's a good person, and I still love her to death. I'm just blowing off a little steam that built up last night.

Well, it's time for me to go back to my winter break. Today's my last day completely off of school and work (except Sunday) so I need to enjoy it, and all of done so far is make myself upset and riled up.

Le-sigh. You know, I set out to write happy blogs. I had a good day yesterday. It was a happy day. I woke up a little unhappy because of an emotional dream I was having, and I suppose that set me off.