The End of Things

A survey was conducted of Hispanic hotel maids who were all overweight but who all had very active jobs. When asked, none of them considered their grueling work exercise, and therefore none of them considered themselves active people. After the survey, the maids were taken and educated on exercise, and the fact that they were actually much more active than they gave themselves credit for. Six months later, they were contacted again and all of them had lost weight since the first survey, with minimal changes to their lifestyle.

Dennis and I ended things last night. Come summer, he's going to be leaving to a ministry college for his church for at least four years, and after that, it's unlikely that he'll ever return. With that looming overhead in the future, he doesn't feel that he can wholeheartedly dedicate himself to a relationship. And I understand. In fact, Wednesday night, two days after he told me, I had been considering telling him the same thing. But when my mom saw how miserable I was making myself over it, she talked me out if it. "What's the point," she said, "In making yourself miserable over something so far in the future when you're so happy together now?" And it was true. I have a horrible habit of putting things off to deal with later, of not facing it until almost too late. So I tried to take it all back. But with it out on the table, we knew that we needed to deal with what was coming somehow. So Dennis decided it would be best for us to not get ourselves in any deeper when we knew what was coming.

I understand how he feels. I don't necessarily agree, I agree with my mom. I think it would be better to have him leave knowing that we spent every moment together doing all that we could, not holding back because we knew our future was damned. But that isn't how he feels, and I'm not going to ask him to do something he clearly doesn't want to.

It's going to be hard for a long time. There may never be a time when I can look at him without a slight pang of longing and regret in my heart. Yet at the same time, this is probably the best thing we could have done. I would rather end it on mutually good terms as close friends than with tears and fighting and a horrible finality. I'm always going to love him; it's easier to continue that love with such an easy ending to the relationship and a continued friendship than most other ways it might have gone.

I brought up the survey of the Hispanic maids because it emphasizes the power that a person's perspective can have on everything from their emotional and mental state to their physical well being. I'm going to force myself to look forward to our friendship, not look back to our love. I know I can't prevent it entirely- I don't know how I'll say goodbye to him from now on without those wonderful kisses- but I can at least try. When I think of how he's acted since the conversation last night, the things that he's said and his body language, he's probably having a harder time than I am. I have the graceful closure of knowing that he's trying to do what's best for both of us, and knowing that it ended well. I think he's being a little too harsh on himself for hurting me, and that's not fair to him. Yes, it hurts, but I don't blame him for any of that. The hurt of losing that love is just as strong for him as it is for me, and that is the only sadness I feel right now. I'm not angry that he ended it, I'm not bitter that he hurt me. It's not his fault. With my newfound optimism, I'm taking it much better than I expected to. When he forgives himself for being the one to end things, he will feel better too.

I plan on keeping in contact with him no matter where he goes or what he does. I have a friend from Denver named Robert who I met online when I was twelve years old. We started out just as roleplaying friends, but eventually we became email pen pals, and that friendship has lasted for years and years. There have been times that Robert has been almost as close to me as my dearest friends, because of the relief that comes from having someone to just talk to, even if I can't spend any time with him in the real world. I think that if I can maintain that friendship with someone I've never even met, I can maintain a close relationship with Dennis, whom I've identified with on almost every level. He and I can talk about anything, I can trust him with anything, I know that he won't judge me or criticize me, he'll just be a friend. Even though there's so much more I want with him, if I can at least keep that level of trust and friendship with him, I'll be happy.