My Sin

This morning I caught myself wondering what would happen if I got in a car accident while I was doing all of my driving around today. And I wasn't wondering this in a depressive, masochistic sort of way... my reasons are much worse. I wanted to know what the people I love would do. I wondered how they would react, who would come to see me in the hospital. I wanted to know who really cares about me.

When I was in the second (?) grade over the summer I got pneumonia. It was much worse than I realized at the time- it was in a very rare spot in the lungs, I was horribly dehydrated all the time before and had trouble learning to drink so much water, and my breathing was so shallow that I could have just stopped breathing one night without even realizing it (luckily, I believe voice lessons and the whole learning to use my lungs and breathe deeper thing really helped afterward). To this day I don't know how serious it was. I only know that my mom stayed with me in the hospital every day and every night- she slept with me in my room. I was having fun getting to lay around and sleep all day, but I think she was scared to death the whole time. Other than her and my immediate family, I only had a few visitors that I remember. Becky, my best friend for the first few years of my life, came by with her mom and brought me a rabbit paperweight. My aunt Mary stopped in to say hello. I think Anndee came by too, but I was asleep. I remember that she gave me a weird Barbie watch. Strange that those are the things I remember of my hospitalization, hmm? But I was young. I do remember, however, noticing with a sort of melancholy how few people visited (to my knowledge).

Ever since I was little, I have had a powerful love for attention. I don't mean to be so selfish and proud, it's just the way I am. I hate being ignored; I thrive in the spotlight, love being noticed and admired. Some people are naturally that way, while others are naturally shy. And lately I feel so lonely. Of course I've got my friends, but it's hard with Rachael going through her recent loss and spending time with her when she's prone to get angry at any turn of the conversation makes me want to limit how much I do with her. Of course, she's sort of been like that for years (to a lesser degree). I've got my mom, but I can only depend on her to give me so much of her time. Sometimes she's just too tired to listen to me talk or vent, or she's busy, or she has some calls to make, or something. Which is fine. She devotes a lot to me, and it's horrible of me to wish for more. I guess maybe I'm just missing Dennis- he's been incredibly busy lately, with all of the extra work we've had with the rush season in the shipping industry, plus Christmas, church, and his other friends. I haven't spent any time with him in weeks, and it seems like even when we do have time it's never enough. It's disheartening, and I find myself wondering more and more if he really wants to see me or if all of these are excuses to stay away. I know that isn't the case- first of all, he's not the kind of person to just make up excuse after excuse like that, and second, I can tell that he's so much busier than I realize. I can see it in the way he acts whenever I get a minute to talk to him, or whenever I ask him if we can hang out. He always sounds worn out, like he needs some time off. So maybe in that case, his month-long trip to Colorado is coming at a good time. It will help for him to see his family, and it will give him a nice change from the grind he's gotten caught up in.

Now that I've veered steadily off topic, allow me to return to my original point. Is it sick and twisted of me to have had these kind of thoughts?