Here It Comes

I've been waiting since yesterday to break down. I could feel the tears coming all day- some random spark would get me thinking emotionally, and suddenly I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm glad it's now, when I'm alone and won't cause any problems.

This is what always happens when I try to endure heavy stress for a long period of time. Eventually it gets to me and I break down for no real reason. It happens when I'm in a show or performing in some other thing, and sometimes it just happens when it's all too much. There have been a lot of things lately- falling school grades, not enough sleep, never seeing my friends and family, and particularly work. I blame most of these on work. Dennis has helped incredibly, but even sometimes when I'm with him I still feel lonely.

Part of it may also be the time of year. I don't know what sparked the thought yesterday, but after work something made me think of my brother Bryant. He's been in the military for the past ten years, so I've seen him once (twice if I'm very lucky) a year. I couldn't help but think about how unfair it was. I loved him so much when I was little, he was like a second daddy to me. Then when I was six years old he disappeared, and I've never had the same relationship with him again. It's certainly not his fault, I would never blame him. I just wish things could be different, especially around this time of year. I won't be able to see him this Christmas. He spent all of his plane ticket money when my dad got married in July? August? And my mom just went to visit him, but couldn't afford to bring anyone else. My dad's going to visit on the fifth, and I wish so badly that I could go with him. But life isn't like that.

And then yesterday at our staff meeting Norma began talking about how Dennis' and my relationship is starting to interfere with our work. I know this isn't true. I KNOW this isn't true. Granted, we may talk a little more at work, but when she's gone we do nothing. We never have done anything while she's gone (we still do what needs to be done, like sorting mail and helping customers, we just don't spend our free time slaving away to clean the store and whatnot), so how can we be doing less? We do what she asks us to do, but somehow she still always finds fault with it. Her complaint about the condition of the store after we closed together Saturday was that the boxes in the back were disorganized. The BOXES. She never told us we had to organize the boxes before we left. Before I ever close I'm always sure that I clean up so that she doesn't have any problems with it, but she still finds something to blame us for. And I knew this was going to happen. I knew that she was going to use our relationship as an excuse to push us harder as employees. But it's not going to happen. She said that she was going to talk to each of us about our relationship. But I'll tell you right now, that store is the whole reason I've even been feeling overwhelmed- if I had a whole day after school to do what needed to be done and then some, I'd be doing just fine. I've already resolved that if she tries to tell me to end it I'll just quit right there. I never liked this job, I don't want it, and I don't need it. I certainly don't need it as much as she needs me. So if she tells me Dennis and I need to stop dating, when she said two months ago how it would be just fine and she had no problem with it, I'll give her my two weeks notice right there.

Those aren't the only stresses I've been facing lately, but I won't talk about the rest here. They're something better discussed privately. For now, hopefully venting like this will help me feel better. Judging from right now, though, I don't think it will.